Let Me Tell You That I Love Music!

I love singing. Since I was a small girl (oh, sorry, I meant "little girl. I'm still a SMALL girl anyway -.-). I was very fond of listening The Cranberries song, entitled "Zombie", when I was in kindergarten. I liked Celine Dion and Mariah Carey when I was in elementary school. When I entered junior high school, I started to listen songs from bands, either American or British. Linkin Park was on my list. I fell in love with Coldplay. And I fell in love with Eminem. Usher. Alicia Keys. Christina Aguilera. Jojo. Well, a lot of musicians made me fall in love. Entering the senior high school, I didn't really care about radio charts which I was paying much attention to. I was listening to songs that I like not listening to the songs which were on the latest update. OneRepublic was amazing. Franz Ferdinand was great. Enigma was brilliant. James Blunt was cool. Lady Gaga was sexy. Hmm, Coldplay's the best.

I cannot determine what kind of music I like. Because whenever I hear something and it fits my ear and I feel delighted, then I will like it, no matter what genre it is. But I give higher score to songs that have great meanings. Lyric is important for me. Good lyrics can be your medicines to face life. It acts as a psychologist, I think. It inspires you. It makes you move. That's the power of lyrics.


I love music. For me, it's one kind of therapy. I love singing, too. That's why I joined choir in my campus. I love making beautiful sounds come out from my mouth. Fortunately I'm not really bad in music, so you can still enjoy my voice :p
I just love music, simply.

Masih, Edisi Patah Hati

Wait...did I say it "Edisi Patah Hati"? Hmm..it's not exactly what I meant.
Maksud saya, saya tidak bermaksud mengatakan bahwa saya sedang galau, tidak-tidak.
Hanya saja, tulisan ini masih terkait peristiwa tidak menyenangkan yang terjadi di hari yang seharusnya spesial bagi saya (memang akhirnya spesial, tapi tidak dalam cara yang baik).

Saya cuma ingin bertanya pada kalian-kalian semua yang pernah patah hati (jujur, ini patah hati "resmi" yang pertama kali bagi saya). Saya sudah pernah beberapa kali patah hati sebelum ini, tapi tidak dalam konteks di mana saya benar-benar sudah berada dalam suatu hubungan. Ya, sebut saja, saya pernah bertepuk sebelah tangan -__-
Tapi pengalaman diputus oleh pacar, ini yang pertama kali. Dan rasanya lebih pahit daripada jamu. Bahkan tidak berkhasiat untuk kesehatan fisik maupun mental.

Oke, saya ingin bertanya: Apa yang kalian rasakan jika mantan kalian berada dalam satu kampus, satu organisasi, satu mata kuliah, dan hampir bisa dipastikan akan selalu bertatap muka? Saya sih oke-oke saja. Saya kaget dengan betapa cepatnya saya bangkit dari kubur (untung bukan beranak). Ya, kuburan kesedihan. Saya berhasil melewatinya dengan sukses. Hampir tidak terlihat bahwa saya menghabiskan satu malam dengan menangis terisak-isak, tersedu-sedu, untung tidak sampai termehek-mehek. Mata saya sedikit bengkak ketika akan berangkat kuliah keesokan harinya, namun anggap saja mata saya sangat sipit sehingga bengkak pun terlihat seperti mata normal pada umumnya.

Tapi, menurut pengamatan beberapa teman dekat saya, sepertinya mantan saya tidak begitu baik. "Kayaknya dia masih galau gitu deh," ujar salah satu teman. Yang lain pun mengamini. Hmph, so what? Bukannya saya tidak peduli. "So what" saya di sini memiliki kepanjangan, yaitu "So what am I supposed to do?"
He's the one who asked this. Dan saya tidak mau capek-capek menghiburnya (harusnya saya yang dihibur deh kayaknya -_-). Dia minta putus, ya...saya cuma bisa membeo Bondan Prakoso dan Fade 2 Black: "Ya sudahlah". Toh sikap saya masih bisa dimasukkan kategori ramah, seramah yang bisa dilakukan seorang perempuan pada laki-laki yang sudah berbuat salah padanya. Saya membalas senyumnya. Saya membalas lambaian tangannya. Saya fine-fine saja ketika dia bersikap agak manja kepada saya di suatu kesempatan. Saya juga pernah tersenyum dan menyapa duluan. Tapi, memang sih, saya melihat dia sedikit "bingung". Ia seperti tidak berada di dunia nyata. Seperti melayang-layang dengan membawa pikirannya yang rumit.

Anyway, mungkin saya terlihat kejam. Tapi saya tidak mau bermanis-manis. Saya tidak membencinya, tapi tidak pula berusaha untuk mencintainya lagi (toh dia ingin mencari yang lebih baik baginya). Saya netral sekarang. Saya temannya, ya, temannya. Bukan teman spesial. Teman biasa saja. Bukan teman yang selalu memantau kabarnya setiap hari. Bukan teman yang selalu bertanya "Udah makan? Udah di kos?". Bukan teman yang mengucapkan "Hati2 ya" ketika ia akan bepergian. Bukan teman yang senantiasa membisikkan "Have a nice dream, sleep well. I love you." Itu masa lalu. Sekarang saya berada di sini, sekarang, karena permintaannya. Dan saya tidak akan kembali. Entah dia masih mencintai saya atau tidak, hal itu tidak akan banyak bepengaruh. Saya akan melanjutkan hidup saya.

Saya memaafkannya, beserta diri saya sendiri.

October 5, 2010-2011

Yesterday, October 5 2011.
I broke up with my boyfriend.
One year ago, October 5 2010.
I said "yes" to him.

It should've been a year.
It should've been a celebration.
But it was all pain.
Well, not all. There was laughter. There was smile. There was love, I think.
 I tried to make it clear, but it was blurred by tears.

He said that he could not go on.
"We have different world view."
He implied that I was not his type.
I said, "So you want to look for the one who is the same with you?"
He said yes.
And it was not me.


He said, "You are my best friend."
I said, "You too."
He said, "I learn so much from you. I don't wanna lose contact with you; I'll be on your side always. I'll be there."
I cried.
He cried, even louder.



So, you gave up, boy. I can't lift you up, because you don't want to. You are a free-man. Commitments made you scared. Commitments gave you a direction. But you are not toward that. Even you've never thought that we would be this long. You're not ready to stay longer. You're not willing for that, anyway.

It's hard for me to imagine how I'll keep in contact with you. Just as hard to imagine I'll find someone new.
But you said that I would. I don't know how much you guarantee that prophecy.
Till this night, I swear that you never knew, nor felt, what I feel inside.
Well, life must go on. We keep on promise -at least, you're the one who asked this- that we'll be friends.
Best friends, just like we're before. Before you said those three words and I said that yes.
It's hard. The hardest thing I have to do. But I have to.
I have to let go. I have to talk to you without lovely words anymore. I have to change this feeling.
Tell me, do you think it's easy?

You're a good-looking boy. You're smart. You're adorable. Every girl adores you. And I see how they're trying to get closer to you. I know it would never be long until you get a brand-new girl. A girl that suits you. The free one, the pretty one, the more similar characteristics of a free-thinker like you. And I have to watch that.

I pray for myself. God, please give me strength. Please.
I have to open a new page of my life. I don't wanna be sad anymore.
Happiness ia a choice. I choose that.
You will never see me down. I'll always be the best friend for you.
If it's the last hope from you, I'll make it true.
Thanks for everything. Thanks for the "sorry" words. Thanks for giving me almost a year with an extraordinary yet complicated guy. Thanks for leaving me and giving me up.
Thanks a lot, for helping me learn a lot about life.


This heart will heal itself. Time helps it. Adieu.